Thursday, October 9, 2014

Why I'm NOT Going to Take My Own Life

By now, most of you have heard the story of Brittany Maynard, a glioblastoma patient, who is going to commit suicide.   She has joined "Compassion & Choices" formerly known as the Hemlock Society, who advocates for legalized euthanasia.  In fact, this group has made a video with sad and ominous music and a lot of words about "death with dignity", "compassion", "choice", "suffering", "enough is enough".  

Like Kara Tippetts, My heart goes out to Brittany and her family. I want Brittany to know that she is loved, not just by her family and friend, but also by me.  I will keep Brittany and Kara in my prayers and good thoughts, just as I do Cheryl Broyles.

I can sympathize with Brittany because I too have Stage 4 glioblastoma.  I was given two to three years, maybe five, about one year ago.  Glioblastoma is a killer.  Four percent of people with this disease are alive after five years.  Death by glioblastoma is excruciating.  I'm older than Brittany by 23 years.  I have survived epilepsy and a meningioma before getting diagnosed with a glioblastoma.  I also have a husband as well as a son, a mother, father and grandmother, as well as brothers, sister-in-laws, and nieces, nephews and cousins.  I have run two half marathons and I climbed Half Dome in 2011. That is where our similarities end.

In the video, the only reason that Brittany gives us to consider life of value is to "make sure that you're not missing out. Seize the day. Pursue that.  Forget the rest."  She is living life on her terms, the way that she wants to.  In the face of terminal cancer, this is certainly understandable.  I too have my own "bucket list".  The first thing I did was to visit the Holy Land with my family (thankfully, before Gaza started firing rockets).

And yet, I am a Catholic, first, last and always.  And even though I was without my faith for twenty years, I came back to it because there was always something missing.  I was incomplete without allowing God in my life.  (Notice I wrote "allow" for God is always there, even when I didn't want Him to be.) This is why I will not be committing suicide or "physician-assisted" euthanasia, despite my terminal diagnosis.

Those who advocate for euthanasia, suicide and abortion are saying that the intentional taking of a human life is justified, whatever the reason.  Brittany's reason for justifying euthanasia/suicide is, "I believe this choice is ethical, and what makes it ethical is it is a choice." That is a tautology which doesn't prove anything about the ethics of making such a choice.

As a Catholic, each of us has been made in God's image and likeness (Genesis 1:27) with both a body and an immortal soul.  We are embodied souls. Therefore, life is sacred from the moment of conception until natural death.  No one can justify (although many have tried) the intentional taking of an innocent human life. Preserving our body and nourishing our soul is not discretionary.  It is obligatory.  The Catechism states that:
"Everyone is responsible for his life before God who has given it to him. It is God who remains the sovereign Master of life. We are obliged to accept life gratefully and preserve it for his honor and the salvation of our souls. We are stewards, not owners, of the life God has entrusted to us. It is not ours to dispose of" (#2280). 

Suicide also violates love for oneself and one's neighbor, family and friends  - even people you don't know.  It leaves a lasting legacy for those left behind.  My ex-boyfriend committed suicide.  He had chronic depression and being an atheist, he had no hope in anything greater than himself.  So he hung himself off his balcony.  The postman found him five days later.  I can't even imagine the state of his body, his house being in the mountains with wild animals about in the forest. The postman was so traumatized that he needed professional help.

Euthanasia, like suicide, also violates love for oneself and one's neighbor.  First, it is legalized for the terminally ill. But then, like cancer, it spreads to the chronically depressed, the elderly, the disabled, and ultimately even for children - anyone the government deems unworthy to live.  Before you know it, doctor's are euthanizing people without their relatives consent as Crisis Magazine's article, Recalling Euthanasia's Legacy of Death, amply points out. Or, as the Christian Medical Fellowship in the UK points out there are several good reasons why euthanasia should be opposed.  

We are needed by other people.   We don't live only for ourselves.  I am deeply sorry that Brittany and her husband did not have a child. I know how hurt she must be, because my husband and I found out shortly after we were married that we were not able to have children.  We had time to adopt a son, making us a family instead of a couple.  (Two years later, I had my first brain tumor.)  It is primarily through our children that we learn to live for others.  But even for those who aren't married or who do not have children, service to others shows us that there is an endless need.

I have not yet been to Spain, Normandy, Istanbul or India - all on my bucket list.  I have a duty to my son and to my husband who has supported me faithfully the whole way.   Helping my son with his homework, his Boy Scout troop, and with the chores around the house, is ultimately more important than my bucket list.  Perhaps some will see this as mundane, but I see it as love beginning in the home.  Do the small things with love.

Does having a terminal disease make it physician-assisted suicide/euthanasia qualitatively different?  Aside from the fact that we are created by God, I believe that the answer to this question turns on the meaning of suffering.  St. Paul said that suffering is a participation in the mystery of  Christ and is the way we can become like Christ so that we “may attain the resurrection from the dead” (Philippians 3:10-11). Christians are supposed to participate in the Passion of Christ, in union with Him through suffering.  It's a path to attain the salvation, purchased for us by Christ. Peter Kreeft puts it thus:
In summary, Jesus did three things to solve the problem of suffering. First, he came. He suffered with us. He wept. Second, in becoming man he transformed the meaning of our suffering: it is now part of his work of redemption. Our death pangs become birth pangs for heaven, not only for ourselves but also for those we love. Third, he died and rose. Dying, he paid the price for sin and opened heaven to us; rising, he transformed death from a hole into a door, from an end into a beginning.
That third thing, now—resurrection. It makes more than all the difference in the world. Many condolences begin by saying something like this: "I know nothing can bring back your dear one again, but.. ." No matter what words follow, no matter what comforting psychology follows that "but," Christianity says something to the bereaved that makes all the rest trivial, something the bereaved longs infinitely more to hear: God can and will bring back your dear one again to life. There is resurrection.
Pope Francis puts it this way:
"Suffering is not a value in itself, but a reality that Jesus teaches us to live with the correct attitude....Your sufferings, like the wounds of Jesus, on the one hand are scandal for the faith but on the other hand are the verification of the faith, a sign that God is love, is faithful, is merciful, is (the) consoler... A sick person, a disabled person can become support and light for other people who suffer, in this way transforming the environment in which he lives....  With this charism, you are a gift to the Church."
This brings us back to the idea that people who are suffering are needed.  It is undoubtedly difficult to look upon suffering as a gift.  When I think of suffering, I often think of Pope St. John Paul II, racked with Parkinson's, trying to speak to us and not being able to, although he still communicated his love for us. That was a gift to me and to many millions.  All I know is that because of the ill health I have suffered throughout my life, and even during my "rebellion," I have been forced to grow and mature when I might not have done so otherwise. This illness in particular has been a steep learning curve, but I am still learning.  I am learning what it is to not be able to talk properly, not feel my right side, and how when the speech center is affected your spelling goes too. (Thank God for spell checkers!)  Being that I am an attorney and a teacher, this is difficult for me.  I am learning what it is to be housebound, something that is not easy for me.  More than anything, suffering has been a call to prayer in all of its forms.  I am entering an unknown world.

So, why are we so afraid of suffering?  Is suffering the worst thing there is? (I think not.)  It is worth it to kill either by suicide, abortion or euthanasia, in order to avoid suffering?  What happens when you avoid suffering at all costs?  I think the answer, as Chelsea Zimmerman said, is that refusing to suffer is refusing to live.
"Why does hatred of suffering lead to decreased respect for human life? Because refusing to suffer is refusing the totality of living. It is a rejection of life itself.
"If anything is certain in this life it is that we all will, at some point, experience suffering. Accidents will happen; people will let us down; our bodies will deteriorate; our loved ones will fade. Suffering is part of human existence and we should reduce or ease it where we can, but eliminating it completely is not within our power. In fact, very often the more we reject and try to avoid suffering, the more we encounter it; as our ability to forebear any difficulty becomes decreased, the smaller and more insignificant trials begin to seem huge and intolerable.
Read the whole thing.  It's worth it.  Chelsea and I also have something else in common.  I long ago stopped worrying about the things I cannot change. I will make the best of it, as ugly as this prognosis is.  I have the business of dying already taken care of.  I have put my life in God's hands.

After all, what is the point of life but to make saints out of us.  I'm certainly not one, but I want what Jesus promised us.  There is no need for faith when we are in Heaven.  We hope for eternal life in Heaven, and what is that but never ending love and communion with God.  Because God IS Love and that equals Joy!   St. Augustine said in his Confessions:  “Thou hast made us for thyself, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in thee.” 

Update:  More articles are coming out every day from glioblastoma patients, relatives and friends:

My Mom Has the Same Brain Cancer Diagnosis Brittany Maynard Had. She’s Fighting to Live as Long as She Can.

Dear Brittany: Our Lives Are Worth Living, Even With Brain Cancer

Young basketball player with brain disease to play ‘one last game’
 

Friday, February 28, 2014

Recuperation


 We moved out of our home while it was being remodeled.  Over the last couple months, I have survived pneumonia and the flu (last February).  Yuck!  I am now getting more exercise, which is a good thing.  But I still feel weak from these sicknesses, the radiation, and the chemo.  What is more the steroids have atrophied my long muscles which makes it difficult to get out of a chair.  Nevertheless, I'm am now losing weight that I am no longer on the steroids, and waking more.   Yeah! My right knee is now mostly rehabilitated.  So I'm waking more which is a good thing.  Starting to walk long distances in preparation for my first half marathon, Run Like a Diva.  Christine Ibanez makes it so easy! So I did a 10K (6.2 miles) this month and another 10 mile hike.

My physical, speech and occupational therapy are now done. Turns out that the fix for my rolling the mouse off the keyboard shelf was layered velcro attached to the right side of the shelf.  Works great!  Also, my right pinky can't feel when I type, so I a little bit of velcro on the "P" and the "M" keys.  This doesn't work as well, because I'm not a touch typist anymore and when I look at the keys, I ignore the velcro and press the key next to it.  Harumph!

Bald 
At this point, my "comb over" was pretty much gone, so I shaved my head.  It will grow back, but it looked horrible!  I don't look good bald.  I bought a very stylish wig.  Then my hubby decided to buy me another wig for my birthday, despite my telling him that one wig was plenty and please don't.  But he did it anyway, and when I put the wig on, it looks like I have an afro.  What was he thinking?  I must confess that I wasn't very grateful, and one of my priests joked that I should wear it for a week as penance.  That left me speechless until I heard the giggling from beyond the screen!  Very funny!

Good Wig
Bad Wig
This month I had another MRI - all clear.  It's too soon for "Spot" to recur anyway.

On Friday, February 21st, we went to the annual Revs vs. Sems basketball game.  So much fun to see the priests playing the seminarians.  Usually the priests win, but for the last two years the seminarians have really stepped up their game and have won.  Well, they are younger and there are more of them!  I looked very stylish in MY wig!

My husband's relatives came out from Massachusetts for a visit.  That was fun!  We went to a nice restaurant in Willow Glen and had a good visit.  It turns out that they will also be going to the Holy Land just after us.  This was the primary thing on my bucket list:  to walk where Jesus walked and to see what he saw.  So we signed up for a pilgrimage which will start next month.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Moving Day

Everything is ready for us to move out of our home.  We have rented a friend's home that is about to be torn down.  It's very small but we don't need much for a family of three, a dog, a guinea pig and a goldfish.  We rented some furniture from Rent-A-Center, brought one TV, and one desktop and one computer from home.  The furniture will be arriving at noon at the rental home.

I  was so tired from having pneumonia, and everything else, I could only pack one room per day.  And the first two days of this week, I slept and didn't do anything.  Feeling better now after nearly 5 days of antibiotics, but not very energetic.  Nevertheless, I have packed up almost everything in the house.

We also rented a Pod to put the upholstered furniture it.  That came yesterday and some friends helped us move the heavy stuff. Thank you for the Vances!

Our remodel consists of the kitchen and informal dining room, dining room, laundry room, all of the bathrooms, entry way, hallway, and hallway closet - in short, half the house.  I'm allergic to dust  and mold, so there was no way that I could stay in the house, besides the fact that the water would be turned off in the kitchen and bathrooms.

But I was still behind on my packing.  I had packed almost everything, but I still had 4 hours to go.

How do I know that?  Because we were supposed to be packed and ready at 9 am this morning, and we weren't ready until 12:30 pm.  That's when we packed the last box.

Meanwhile, the contractors at 9am and were knocking out walls, cabinets, dry wall, etc. while we were still packing.

Thanks God for my contractor, Salvatore Caruso!  He worked around us and when he saw that I was freaking out (probably because I hadn't had any breakfast), he sent his son to get coffee and croissants for us!  I really needed that boost of energy.  Thank God for Sal!

He has designed a beautiful home for us!  Our home is 60 years old and the kitchen is original and falling apart: tile is chipped and cracked, ceramic sink is chipped, grout and tile are falling off, cabinets doors have been painted so many times that I can no longer close them. We bought a fixer-upper and although we knew we had to remodel the kitchen at some point, I knew that was going to be a big expensive job.  So we chose make do with the kitchen and to put money into making house more efficient.  We had to fix the foundation and arrest the descent of one weight bearing wall.  The HVAC had problems when we bought the house, and that had to be replaced.  Five years after we the bought our home, it needed a new roof and we also put in solar panels and a new electrical box.  There were leaks in various places and we knew we needed a repipe, and we did that.  We also added insulation to make the house more energy efficient.

But how to pay for the remodel?  Turns out that having terminal cancer make that easy.  There is a silver lining in every cloud! I am now able to pull money out of my IRA without a penalty.  And since I'm not going to have a long retirement, I may as well use the money now and leave a beautiful and functional house for my family.  However, IRA withdrawals come out as ordinary income, my husband is still employed and I don't want to pay any more taxes than I have to.  So we elected to pay for it out of our investment account, with capital gains rate, which will save us about 5-10% in taxes.  My husband can treat my IRA as his and that makes it beneficial to do that.

Tonight we are in are new pied d'terre.  Tiny, but cozy.  Now I can get some much needed rest and recover from the pneumonia, radiation and chemo.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Pneumonia

Went to the track to walk 3 miles last Friday.  I was winded after 1 mile.  Sweating bullets.  What is wrong me?  I just felt off.

Afterwards went to my motor therapy appointment.  This is so weird.  They want to make sure I won't fall down.  Right total knee replacement and right side motor deficit.  OK.  Passed this test with flying colors.  But now they put me in a harness and are making me try to match the moving square.  I was never very physically coordinated to begin with and this is difficult for me. I go one way and that square goes a different way.  I hate this.  More exercises, but can't do deep knee bends. Maybe a pilates ball?  Need to strengthen my hips and back.

I went to a spiritual talk Friday evening with the mom's from my son's school.   Love Fr. Timothy, but I thought he was going to give a 10 minute speech, but it turned into an hour and a half.  I was coughing the whole time (quietly, I hope, but probably not quite). And I kept falling asleep.  Very low energy.  Ugh.  Poor Fr. Timothy.  I was a terrible audience!

Today I had an appointment with my chemo doctor.  She kept listening to my chest.  Apparently the prophylactic antibiotics (because I was on steroids for so long) didn't work, and I have a full blown case of pneumonia.

Well, that explains a few things!  Why I couldn't walk three miles and why I have been coughing so much.  I had no idea that I had pneumonia! 

Steroids make you feel great.  You want to clean your entire house in ten minutes.  However, the side effects are horrible.  Loss of long muscles (quadriceps), and the possibility of pneumonia, among others.  I can't get out of a chair without pushing myself up with my arms.

Time to rest.  Hopefully I will feel better.  But I'm packing the house up, and we are moving out to a rental home on January 17th for the duration of the remodel.  No rest for the weary - or sick.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Remodeling

Zajda Glass Studios
We are in the process of getting the plans together to remodel part of our home.  The kitchen has cracked tile, the grout is coming off, and the cabinets have been painted so many times that they don't shut any more.

When we bought our home in 2007, we knew we need to fix it up.  The roof had five years left on it.  The house was almost 50 years old and needed to be repiped.  It needed insulation in the attic.  It needed a new HVAC system.

Years ago, I made a list of what we needed to do to the house.  At every opportunity, finances permitting, we did something to improve the house.  We put in a new HVAC system.  We repiped.  We added insulation in the attic space.  We added GFIC to every outlet in the house. We replaced the electrical panel in preparation for a new roof and solar panels.  We replaced the cabinet in the master bath.

I knew that remodeling the kitchens and bathrooms would cost a lot of money, so we put off doing that until last.  We had to make the home functional first.  We also had to bring the cost down of our utility bills - heating and cooling, as well as our electricity. For a long time, we didn't have any furniture in the living room.

When I got the bad news last October, I made a list of what I wanted to do with the time I had left.  The estate planning came first as did the funeral arrangements.  After that, I wanted to do a house remodel and leave Duane and our son with both a functional and beautiful house.  So I hired an architect and general contractor.  We now have plans for the remodel, which will begin on January 17th.

Today we met with Peter and Nancy Zajda of Zajda Glass Studios, who is going to do some stained glass for our front door.  I have kept their card for the last 15 years because I always knew that I wanted the Zajdas, who do beautiful work, to do our front door.  We picked out glass and I believe that the window will look beautiful!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Walk to End Hunger

A friend of mine, Christine, asked me if I was ready to do a 5k.  We had already walked about a mile around Almaden Lake Park.  My knee needs exercise, and that means walking.  So, I figured why not?  If I'm going to do a half marathon, I better start walking now.

So we all signed up for the Walk to End Hunger.

I'm still on the steroids, so I still have moon face, and my weight is up.  A girl needs to get her exercise!  Two more weeks and I will be off the steroids.

I guess this is my first race.  (Well, I did the San Francisco Halloween run 5K, in costume, about 30 years ago.  I went as a file folder, complete with paper clips and post it notes.  That was so hard to run in!)

What a beautiful day for a walk!  Fred pushed the stroller, Christine and I walked about an 20 minute mile, and Duane was so slow that he dropped out.  Really?  Ufda!

I finished in just under a hour.  (Christine could have gone faster, but she stayed with me. That was nice!)  Not too bad for someone who has just been through the ringer.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Chemo Brain

I just did something that I never did before. After being cleared to fly, I made airplane reservations for Christmas to visit my husband's relatives.  I must have clicked the button to search all local airports, because I accidentally made reservations to fly out of San Francisco, not San Jose, like I usually do.

Not realizing this, we went to San Jose airport today to catch our flight.  Of course, we couldn't bring up the flight of the computer and I couldn't figure out why.  So we went to the agent who, of course, told us that our flight was out of San Francisco.

Ack!  Chemo brain!  And radiation brain!

We were two hours ahead of when our flight departed, but the agent said we would never make it.  There were no other flights which we could book - everything was sold out.  There was no way that I was going to screw up Christmas!

So.... we make a split second decision, walked out of the airport and grabbed a taxi up to San Francisco airport.  We asked the taxi driver if he could get us there in an hour.  One hundreds dollars and an hour later, and managing to get past an accident on Highway 101, we managed to get to there there with 50 minutes to get through check in and security. Check in went fine and security was pretty light, despite what the San Jose agent had told us.  We made it with 5 minutes to spare!  That was the closest shave ever!  Thank God it was a domestic flight.

I've never been so glad to get on a plane!

That's probably the dumbest thing I've ever done. Next time I'll ask Duane to review!