Why I'm NOT Going to Take My Own Life

By now, most of you have heard the story of Brittany Maynard, a glioblastoma patient, who is going to commit suicide.   She has joined "Compassion & Choices" formerly known as the Hemlock Society, who advocates for legalized euthanasia.  In fact, this group has made a video with sad and ominous music and a lot of words about "death with dignity", "compassion", "choice", "suffering", "enough is enough".  

Like Kara Tippetts, My heart goes out to Brittany and her family. I want Brittany to know that she is loved, not just by her family and friend, but also by me.  I will keep Brittany and Kara in my prayers and good thoughts, just as I do Cheryl Broyles.

I can sympathize with Brittany because I too have Stage 4 glioblastoma.  I was given two to three years, maybe five, about one year ago.  Glioblastoma is a killer.  Four percent of people with this disease are alive after five years.  Death by glioblastoma is excruciating.  I'm older than Brittany by 23 years.  I have survived epilepsy and a meningioma before getting diagnosed with a glioblastoma.  I also have a husband as well as a son, a mother, father and grandmother, as well as brothers, sister-in-laws, and nieces, nephews and cousins.  I have run two half marathons and I climbed Half Dome in 2011. That is where our similarities end.

In the video, the only reason that Brittany gives us to consider life of value is to "make sure that you're not missing out. Seize the day. Pursue that.  Forget the rest."  She is living life on her terms, the way that she wants to.  In the face of terminal cancer, this is certainly understandable.  I too have my own "bucket list".  The first thing I did was to visit the Holy Land with my family (thankfully, before Gaza started firing rockets).

And yet, I am a Catholic, first, last and always.  And even though I was without my faith for twenty years, I came back to it because there was always something missing.  I was incomplete without allowing God in my life.  (Notice I wrote "allow" for God is always there, even when I didn't want Him to be.) This is why I will not be committing suicide or "physician-assisted" euthanasia, despite my terminal diagnosis.

Those who advocate for euthanasia, suicide and abortion are saying that the intentional taking of a human life is justified, whatever the reason.  Brittany's reason for justifying euthanasia/suicide is, "I believe this choice is ethical, and what makes it ethical is it is a choice." That is a tautology which doesn't prove anything about the ethics of making such a choice.

As a Catholic, each of us has been made in God's image and likeness (Genesis 1:27) with both a body and an immortal soul.  We are embodied souls. Therefore, life is sacred from the moment of conception until natural death.  No one can justify (although many have tried) the intentional taking of an innocent human life. Preserving our body and nourishing our soul is not discretionary.  It is obligatory.  The Catechism states that:

"Everyone is responsible for his life before God who has given it to him. It is God who remains the sovereign Master of life. We are obliged to accept life gratefully and preserve it for his honor and the salvation of our souls. We are stewards, not owners, of the life God has entrusted to us. It is not ours to dispose of" (#2280). 

Suicide also violates love for oneself and one's neighbor, family and friends  - even people you don't know.  It leaves a lasting legacy for those left behind.  My ex-boyfriend committed suicide.  He had chronic depression and being an atheist, he had no hope in anything greater than himself.  So he hung himself off his balcony.  The postman found him five days later.  I can't even imagine the state of his body, his house being in the mountains with wild animals about in the forest. The postman was so traumatized that he needed professional help.

Euthanasia, like suicide, also violates love for oneself and one's neighbor.  First, it is legalized for the terminally ill. But then, like cancer, it spreads to the chronically depressed, the elderly, the disabled, and ultimately even for children - anyone the government deems unworthy to live.  Before you know it, doctor's are euthanizing people without their relatives consent as Crisis Magazine's article, Recalling Euthanasia's Legacy of Death, amply points out. Or, as the Christian Medical Fellowship in the UK points out there are several good reasons why euthanasia should be opposed.  

We are needed by other people.   We don't live only for ourselves.  I am deeply sorry that Brittany and her husband did not have a child. I know how hurt she must be, because my husband and I found out shortly after we were married that we were not able to have children.  We had time to adopt a son, making us a family instead of a couple.  (Two years later, I had my first brain tumor.)  It is primarily through our children that we learn to live for others.  But even for those who aren't married or who do not have children, service to others shows us that there is an endless need.

I have not yet been to Spain, Normandy, Istanbul or India - all on my bucket list.  I have a duty to my son and to my husband who has supported me faithfully the whole way.   Helping my son with his homework, his Boy Scout troop, and with the chores around the house, is ultimately more important than my bucket list.  Perhaps some will see this as mundane, but I see it as love beginning in the home.  Do the small things with love.

Does having a terminal disease make it physician-assisted suicide/euthanasia qualitatively different?  Aside from the fact that we are created by God, I believe that the answer to this question turns on the meaning of suffering.  St. Paul said that suffering is a participation in the mystery of  Christ and is the way we can become like Christ so that we “may attain the resurrection from the dead” (Philippians 3:10-11). Christians are supposed to participate in the Passion of Christ, in union with Him through suffering.  It's a path to attain the salvation, purchased for us by Christ. Peter Kreeft puts it thus:

In summary, Jesus did three things to solve the problem of suffering. First, he came. He suffered with us. He wept. Second, in becoming man he transformed the meaning of our suffering: it is now part of his work of redemption. Our death pangs become birth pangs for heaven, not only for ourselves but also for those we love. Third, he died and rose. Dying, he paid the price for sin and opened heaven to us; rising, he transformed death from a hole into a door, from an end into a beginning.

That third thing, now—resurrection. It makes more than all the difference in the world. Many condolences begin by saying something like this: "I know nothing can bring back your dear one again, but.. ." No matter what words follow, no matter what comforting psychology follows that "but," Christianity says something to the bereaved that makes all the rest trivial, something the bereaved longs infinitely more to hear: God can and will bring back your dear one again to life. There is resurrection.

Pope Francis puts it this way:

"Suffering is not a value in itself, but a reality that Jesus teaches us to live with the correct attitude....Your sufferings, like the wounds of Jesus, on the one hand are scandal for the faith but on the other hand are the verification of the faith, a sign that God is love, is faithful, is merciful, is (the) consoler... A sick person, a disabled person can become support and light for other people who suffer, in this way transforming the environment in which he lives....  With this charism, you are a gift to the Church."

This brings us back to the idea that people who are suffering are needed.  It is undoubtedly difficult to look upon suffering as a gift.  When I think of suffering, I often think of Pope St. John Paul II, racked with Parkinson's, trying to speak to us and not being able to, although he still communicated his love for us. That was a gift to me and to many millions.  All I know is that because of the ill health I have suffered throughout my life, and even during my "rebellion," I have been forced to grow and mature when I might not have done so otherwise. This illness in particular has been a steep learning curve, but I am still learning.  I am learning what it is to not be able to talk properly, not feel my right side, and how when the speech center is affected your spelling goes too. (Thank God for spell checkers!)  Being that I am an attorney and a teacher, this is difficult for me.  I am learning what it is to be housebound, something that is not easy for me.  More than anything, suffering has been a call to prayer in all of its forms.  I am entering an unknown world.

So, why are we so afraid of suffering?  Is suffering the worst thing there is? (I think not.)  It is worth it to kill either by suicide, abortion or euthanasia, in order to avoid suffering?  What happens when you avoid suffering at all costs?  I think the answer, as Chelsea Zimmerman said, is that refusing to suffer is refusing to live.

"Why does hatred of suffering lead to decreased respect for human life? Because refusing to suffer is refusing the totality of living. It is a rejection of life itself.

"If anything is certain in this life it is that we all will, at some point, experience suffering. Accidents will happen; people will let us down; our bodies will deteriorate; our loved ones will fade. Suffering is part of human existence and we should reduce or ease it where we can, but eliminating it completely is not within our power. In fact, very often the more we reject and try to avoid suffering, the more we encounter it; as our ability to forebear any difficulty becomes decreased, the smaller and more insignificant trials begin to seem huge and intolerable.

Read the whole thing.  It's worth it.  Chelsea and I also have something else in common.  I long ago stopped worrying about the things I cannot change. I will make the best of it, as ugly as this prognosis is.  I have the business of dying already taken care of.  I have put my life in God's hands.

After all, what is the point of life but to make saints out of us.  I'm certainly not one, but I want what Jesus promised us.  There is no need for faith when we are in Heaven.  We hope for eternal life in Heaven, and what is that but never ending love and communion with God.  Because God IS Love and that equals Joy!   St. Augustine said in his Confessions:  “Thou hast made us for thyself, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in thee.” 

Update:  More articles are coming out every day from glioblastoma patients, relatives and friends:

My Mom Has the Same Brain Cancer Diagnosis Brittany Maynard Had. She’s Fighting to Live as Long as She Can.

Dear Brittany: Our Lives Are Worth Living, Even With Brain Cancer

Young basketball player with brain disease to play ‘one last game’
 

Recuperation

 We moved out of our home while it was being remodeled.  Over the last couple months, I have survived pneumonia and the flu (last February).  Yuck!  I am now getting more exercise, which is a good thing.  But I still feel weak from these sicknesses, the radiation, and the chemo.  What is more the steroids have atrophied my long muscles which makes it difficult to get out of a chair.  Nevertheless, I'm am now losing weight that I am no longer on the steroids, and waking more.   Yeah! My right knee is now mostly rehabilitated.  So I'm waking more which is a good thing.  Starting to walk long distances in preparation for my first half marathon, Run Like a Diva.  Christine Ibanez makes it so easy! So I did a 10K (6.2 miles) this month and another 10 mile hike.

My physical, speech and occupational therapy are now done. Turns out that the fix for my rolling the mouse off the keyboard shelf was layered velcro attached to the right side of the shelf.  Works great!  Also, my right pinky can't feel when I type, so I a little bit of velcro on the "P" and the "M" keys.  This doesn't work as well, because I'm not a touch typist anymore and when I look at the keys, I ignore the velcro and press the key next to it.  Harumph!

Bald

 

At this point, my "comb over" was pretty much gone, so I shaved my head.  It will grow back, but it looked horrible!  I don't look good bald.  I bought a very stylish wig.  Then my hubby decided to buy me another wig for my birthday, despite my telling him that one wig was plenty and please don't.  But he did it anyway, and when I put the wig on, it looks like I have an afro.  What was he thinking?  I must confess that I wasn't very grateful, and one of my priests joked that I should wear it for a week as penance.  That left me speechless until I heard the giggling from beyond the screen!  Very funny!

Good Wig

Bad Wig

This month I had another MRI - all clear.  It's too soon for "Spot" to recur anyway.

On Friday, February 21st, we went to the annual Revs vs. Sems basketball game.  So much fun to see the priests playing the seminarians.  Usually the priests win, but for the last two years the seminarians have really stepped up their game and have won.  Well, they are younger and there are more of them!  I looked very stylish in MY wig!

My husband's relatives came out from Massachusetts for a visit.  That was fun!  We went to a nice restaurant in Willow Glen and had a good visit.  It turns out that they will also be going to the Holy Land just after us.  This was the primary thing on my bucket list:  to walk where Jesus walked and to see what he saw.  So we signed up for a pilgrimage which will start next month.

Moving Day

Everything is ready for us to move out of our home.  We have rented a friend's home that is about to be torn down.  It's very small but we don't need much for a family of three, a dog, a guinea pig and a goldfish.  We rented some furniture from Rent-A-Center, brought one TV, and one desktop and one computer from home.  The furniture will be arriving at noon at the rental home.

I  was so tired from having pneumonia, and everything else, I could only pack one room per day.  And the first two days of this week, I slept and didn't do anything.  Feeling better now after nearly 5 days of antibiotics, but not very energetic.  Nevertheless, I have packed up almost everything in the house.

We also rented a Pod to put the upholstered furniture it.  That came yesterday and some friends helped us move the heavy stuff. Thank you for the Vances!

Our remodel consists of the kitchen and informal dining room, dining room, laundry room, all of the bathrooms, entry way, hallway, and hallway closet - in short, half the house.  I'm allergic to dust  and mold, so there was no way that I could stay in the house, besides the fact that the water would be turned off in the kitchen and bathrooms.

But I was still behind on my packing.  I had packed almost everything, but I still had 4 hours to go.

How do I know that?  Because we were supposed to be packed and ready at 9 am this morning, and we weren't ready until 12:30 pm.  That's when we packed the last box.

Meanwhile, the contractors at 9am and were knocking out walls, cabinets, dry wall, etc. while we were still packing.

Thanks God for my contractor, Salvatore Caruso!  He worked around us and when he saw that I was freaking out (probably because I hadn't had any breakfast), he sent his son to get coffee and croissants for us!  I really needed that boost of energy.  Thank God for Sal!

He has designed a beautiful home for us!  Our home is 60 years old and the kitchen is original and falling apart: tile is chipped and cracked, ceramic sink is chipped, grout and tile are falling off, cabinets doors have been painted so many times that I can no longer close them. We bought a fixer-upper and although we knew we had to remodel the kitchen at some point, I knew that was going to be a big expensive job.  So we chose make do with the kitchen and to put money into making house more efficient.  We had to fix the foundation and arrest the descent of one weight bearing wall.  The HVAC had problems when we bought the house, and that had to be replaced.  Five years after we the bought our home, it needed a new roof and we also put in solar panels and a new electrical box.  There were leaks in various places and we knew we needed a repipe, and we did that.  We also added insulation to make the house more energy efficient.

But how to pay for the remodel?  Turns out that having terminal cancer make that easy.  There is a silver lining in every cloud! I am now able to pull money out of my IRA without a penalty.  And since I'm not going to have a long retirement, I may as well use the money now and leave a beautiful and functional house for my family.  However, IRA withdrawals come out as ordinary income, my husband is still employed and I don't want to pay any more taxes than I have to.  So we elected to pay for it out of our investment account, with capital gains rate, which will save us about 5-10% in taxes.  My husband can treat my IRA as his and that makes it beneficial to do that.

Tonight we are in are new pied d'terre.  Tiny, but cozy.  Now I can get some much needed rest and recover from the pneumonia, radiation and chemo.

Pneumonia

Went to the track to walk 3 miles last Friday.  I was winded after 1 mile.  Sweating bullets.  What is wrong me?  I just felt off.

Afterwards went to my motor therapy appointment.  This is so weird.  They want to make sure I won't fall down.  Right total knee replacement and right side motor deficit.  OK.  Passed this test with flying colors.  But now they put me in a harness and are making me try to match the moving square.  I was never very physically coordinated to begin with and this is difficult for me. I go one way and that square goes a different way.  I hate this.  More exercises, but can't do deep knee bends. Maybe a pilates ball?  Need to strengthen my hips and back.

I went to a spiritual talk Friday evening with the mom's from my son's school.   Love Fr. Timothy, but I thought he was going to give a 10 minute speech, but it turned into an hour and a half.  I was coughing the whole time (quietly, I hope, but probably not quite). And I kept falling asleep.  Very low energy.  Ugh.  Poor Fr. Timothy.  I was a terrible audience!

Today I had an appointment with my chemo doctor.  She kept listening to my chest.  Apparently the prophylactic antibiotics (because I was on steroids for so long) didn't work, and I have a full blown case of pneumonia.

Well, that explains a few things!  Why I couldn't walk three miles and why I have been coughing so much.  I had no idea that I had pneumonia! 

Steroids make you feel great.  You want to clean your entire house in ten minutes.  However, the side effects are horrible.  Loss of long muscles (quadriceps), and the possibility of pneumonia, among others.  I can't get out of a chair without pushing myself up with my arms.

Time to rest.  Hopefully I will feel better.  But I'm packing the house up, and we are moving out to a rental home on January 17th for the duration of the remodel.  No rest for the weary - or sick.

Remodeling

Zajda Glass Studios

We are in the process of getting the plans together to remodel part of our home.  The kitchen has cracked tile, the grout is coming off, and the cabinets have been painted so many times that they don't shut any more.

When we bought our home in 2007, we knew we need to fix it up.  The roof had five years left on it.  The house was almost 50 years old and needed to be repiped.  It needed insulation in the attic.  It needed a new HVAC system.

Years ago, I made a list of what we needed to do to the house.  At every opportunity, finances permitting, we did something to improve the house.  We put in a new HVAC system.  We repiped.  We added insulation in the attic space.  We added GFIC to every outlet in the house. We replaced the electrical panel in preparation for a new roof and solar panels.  We replaced the cabinet in the master bath.

I knew that remodeling the kitchens and bathrooms would cost a lot of money, so we put off doing that until last.  We had to make the home functional first.  We also had to bring the cost down of our utility bills - heating and cooling, as well as our electricity. For a long time, we didn't have any furniture in the living room.

When I got the bad news last October, I made a list of what I wanted to do with the time I had left.  The estate planning came first as did the funeral arrangements.  After that, I wanted to do a house remodel and leave Duane and our son with both a functional and beautiful house.  So I hired an architect and general contractor.  We now have plans for the remodel, which will begin on January 17th.

Today we met with Peter and Nancy Zajda of Zajda Glass Studios, who is going to do some stained glass for our front door.  I have kept their card for the last 15 years because I always knew that I wanted the Zajdas, who do beautiful work, to do our front door.  We picked out glass and I believe that the window will look beautiful!

Walk to End Hunger

A friend of mine, Christine, asked me if I was ready to do a 5k.  We had already walked about a mile around Almaden Lake Park.  My knee needs exercise, and that means walking.  So, I figured why not?  If I'm going to do a half marathon, I better start walking now.

So we all signed up for the Walk to End Hunger.

I'm still on the steroids, so I still have moon face, and my weight is up.  A girl needs to get her exercise!  Two more weeks and I will be off the steroids.

I guess this is my first race.  (Well, I did the San Francisco Halloween run 5K, in costume, about 30 years ago.  I went as a file folder, complete with paper clips and post it notes.  That was so hard to run in!)

What a beautiful day for a walk!  Fred pushed the stroller, Christine and I walked about an 20 minute mile, and Duane was so slow that he dropped out.  Really?  Ufda!

I finished in just under a hour.  (Christine could have gone faster, but she stayed with me. That was nice!)  Not too bad for someone who has just been through the ringer.

Chemo Brain

I just did something that I never did before. After being cleared to fly, I made airplane reservations for Christmas to visit my husband's relatives.  I must have clicked the button to search all local airports, because I accidentally made reservations to fly out of San Francisco, not San Jose, like I usually do.

Not realizing this, we went to San Jose airport today to catch our flight.  Of course, we couldn't bring up the flight of the computer and I couldn't figure out why.  So we went to the agent who, of course, told us that our flight was out of San Francisco.

Ack!  Chemo brain!  And radiation brain!

We were two hours ahead of when our flight departed, but the agent said we would never make it.  There were no other flights which we could book - everything was sold out.  There was no way that I was going to screw up Christmas!

So.... we make a split second decision, walked out of the airport and grabbed a taxi up to San Francisco airport.  We asked the taxi driver if he could get us there in an hour.  One hundreds dollars and an hour later, and managing to get past an accident on Highway 101, we managed to get to there there with 50 minutes to get through check in and security. Check in went fine and security was pretty light, despite what the San Jose agent had told us.  We made it with 5 minutes to spare!  That was the closest shave ever!  Thank God it was a domestic flight.

I've never been so glad to get on a plane!

That's probably the dumbest thing I've ever done. Next time I'll ask Duane to review!

Radiation and Chemo Finished

I haven't done much blogging of late.  The chemo was okay, but the radiation kicked my you-know-what!  I have done a lot of sleeping over the course of the last six weeks. 

By week #2 of the radiation/chemo, my speech, which was starting to come back, was already impaired again.  They put me back on steroids to help with that, but I argued for a half dose because I never sleep when I'm on steroids.  I just couldn't go without sleep for five more weeks.

By week #4, my hair was coming out in large clumps on the left side of my head.  Still, I had a comb over so it didn't look too bad. But it was obviously thinning. 


During all of this time, I was going to to speech therapy, motor therapy and occupational therapy, as well as orthopedic therapy for my knee.  I had medical appointments almost every day, except for the weekends. 

Speech therapy was really useful to learn how to talk again, but the improvements were tiny and took a long time. Fortunately, I had my son coaching me on my words.  Best coach I ever had!

Motor therapy was for my right side, which has decreased fine sensation, decreased ability to feel temperature, and a certain amount of numbness, similar to a stroke.  My gait was also uneven, but not so uneven that I had a risk of falling.  That was nice to find out, although the steroids caused havoc with my long muscles.  I couldn't get out of a chair without pushing up on my arms, but I was prohibited from doing squats because of my knee, to strengthen my quads.  A lot of straight leg lifts, as well as side to side leg muscles. My legs are really weak now.

The occupational therapy was for my typing skills.  Because of the slight decrease in strength and the numbness in my right hand, I have having difficulty typing, aside from the problem of spelling. I am no longer a 120 wpm perfect typist. I also have great difficulty opening bottles and jars now.

It also took months of rehab on my knee.  I can almost get it straight, but not quite.  This will take more time.

The best part of being finished with radiation and chemo is that I'm now cleared to fly up to my husband's family and spend Christmas with them!  We leave on Saturday!  Time to get a mani-pedi and a trim.  I won't say a "haircut", but there's not much left to cut.

Mass + Chemo = ???

A friend picked me up this morning for 8:30 am Mass.  I always feel better when I start the day off with Mass.  More recollected and ready to take on the day. But... this was the first day of taking my chemo first in the morning.What would happen?  The last thing I want to do in Mass it make an untoward emission.  So I took an anti-nausea medicine with the chemo and hoped that would do the trick.  (I also sat very close to the bathroom.)  Fortunately, it did! After Mass, I went to Le Boulanger with some friends and had a yogurt fruit parfait - good probiotics for my tummy! Later met a friend and had a good conversation over lunch, a healthy serving of vegetables!

Later in the afternoon, I had another physical therapy appointment.  I seem to be losing some ground on my knee.  My ankle is swelling up now that I'm off the steroids.  Harumph!

Another radiation session tonight.  I seem to spend more time in the waiting room then I do in the treatment room, which I suppose is a good thing.  It was a surprise that Duane met me and the kiddo in the waiting room afterwards, and a good thing because the kiddo had a flag football party.  A good time was had by all, and the kiddo got the Best Defensive Player award.  Woo hoo!  He did catch a few good interceptions! I love watching him play. It's like watching grace in motion! I've never seen such a talented athlete.

First Day of Chemo and Radiation

Would  you like to make "emissions" in this toilet?
Credit: http://drhousecleaning.blogspot.com/2011/11/how-to-clean-toilet.html

Today's schedule for radiation was at 7:00 am.  This was fine because I'm now going to sleep at 10:00 pm, which means I'm waking up at 5:00 am.  It is a good time to think and get stuff done.  Beginning  on November 19th, I get into a regular slot at 7:45 am, but until someone else comes off the calendar I'm in whatever time they can put me - which means very late in the day.  I balked at 7:00 pm, and and at least got them to put me in a little bit earlier in the day.  Amazing that they have such a back up of patients.

My first supplies of chemo arrived around 11:30 am.  Unfortunately, that was too late for me to take it because I was supposed to have lunch with friends.  So I opted to take them two hours after lunch.  Had a nice lunch with friends at Cheesecake Factory, one of my favorite places, and had my Grilled Chicken Tostada Salad.  Yum!  Lots of greens and lean protein, which is good for me.

After getting home, I took my daily dose.  I decided not to take a anti-nausea medicine because I wasn't sure I needed one.  As it turns out, I didn't have any nausea all day... until midnight when I woke up wondering if what I was feeling was nausea.  So I got up to go the bathroom and promptly threw up.  I guess that answered my question.  After taking an anti-nausea medication, I slept through the rest of the night.  Ahh!

Dry Run

Today I met my chemo doctor - on the day that my chemo is supposed to start.  Although there are a long list of side effects, I found out that nausea, rash and diarrhea are the main ones, with a slight drop in white blood cells.  I've have a blood test every week to check on my immune system.  Since they don't have any samples, I'll have to wait for them to arrive tomorrow.  Apparently, I'm not allowed to order them chemo drugs from my pharmacy. The insurance company requires that they be distributed by mail order. This may have something to with a shortage of chemo drugs in this country, and as well as them not being in big demand. 

The dry run for radiation also happened today.  They put my mask on, and situated me on the table and measured distances so that they would be putting the radiation in the right place.  I happened to wear an longer cotton shirt from India, and found that I don't need to wear a gown if I wear that.  Need more Indian shirts!  I need an excuse to go shopping!

I had an another PT appointment for my knee.  My knee is more swollen today because she worked on the back where the hamstring attaches.  More stretching needed!

How God Speaks to Us Through Our Sin

Giotto di Bondone, The Crucifixion, The Capella degli Scrovegni, 1305 AD

I'm a Roman Catholic.  I haven't always practiced my faith. There were twenty years during which I walked away from the Church.  I still believed in God, but I didn't believe that I needed the Church.  For some reason, it did not occur to me that Jesus had a good reason for giving the Church to us.  At that time, I believed in my own goodness and abilities.  This is when God speaks to us through the consequences of our sins.  I had some whoppers.  I lived with a man without being married who suffered from chronic depression and who eventually killed himself (after I left).  Obviously, my parents were not happy about me, and our relationship suffered because of what I was doing.  I believe that both of my parents prayed continually for me.  And after that relationship ended, I was briefly engaged to a man who I discovered was a convicted child molester.  Fortunately, I found out and broke off the engagement.  But this hit me like a ton of bricks.  Why was I making such poor choices in men?  When I thought about my parents, they had been happily married for over 40 years at that time.  Perhaps, they deserved a second look, because they were modeling a healthy marriage.  For some reason, I had this stupid idea that I wasn't going to be like my parents.  Well, why not?

At the same time, I was practicing family law.  I had never seen dysfunctional relationships in a marriage before.  While no marriage is perfect, our parents and our home was pretty happy.  I got an eyeful during my years practicing family law.  I quickly understood from my law practice all the different ways that marriages fail. 

1. Being lazy in a marriage,  and not communicating with your spouse.  Marriage requires work, and two people can grow apart if they don't work at staying together.
2. Infidelity, to which I would add the epidemic of pornography.  61% of all divorces in California are impacted by pornography.  That's a huge number.  At the time I was practicing, the internet and pornography were not as common as they are now.
3. Alcohol/Drug/Gambling Addictions.
4. One spouse is a saver and the other is a spender.  Many people just don't know how to manage the family finances, make a household budget, and don't know how to resolve financial problems.
5. Domestic Violence.

My years practicing family law were some of the best life lessons that I ever learned, and prepared me for what NOT to do in a marriage, in the same way that my parents positively modeled a good marriage to all of us children.  So, I made some changes in my life.  I got healthy and dropped about 40 lbs.  I also made a list of the kind of values that I wanted to see in a potential husband. 

1. Emotionally stable.
2. Financially stable.
3. Someone who had a good relationship with his mother, and who could remain a friend with a previous girlfriend.  I believe that how a man treats his mother is often how we will treat his wife.
4. Someone who had lived in the same place for many years.

I still wasn't practicing my faith, so I left that dimension off of my list.  If I had to do over again, I would have added it at the top of my list as something essential.

It was at this moment, that my future husband walked in my life.  I found him online, we corresponded for a bit, had a couple of telephone conversation (a bit one sided because my husband is Norwegian and not naturally talkative), and then we went on our first date to the Saddlerack, a fun country western bar with live music and dance lessons.  He was a trooper, and still is an awesome dancer!

After four months we were engaged, and were married about a year after we met in September 5th.  Importantly, I didn't make the same mistakes that I had made previously.   During our engagement, he wanted me to take one of theses human potential movement courses called The Landmark Forum.  Three really great things came out of that:

1. The emphasis on living your life with integrity.  (A concept related to virtue!)
2. I began to repair the damage I had done to the relationship with my parents, first by apologizing to both of them.  It took time, but it became much improved.
3. I was introduced to idea of putting structures in place which forward your goals.  This is when the idea of the Church that Jesus gave to us actually began to make sense, as a structure intend to support our faith.  I had done quite poorly without the structure of the Church in my life.  I realized I was quite fallible and had made many mistakes.  Pride does go before a fall!

Getting Ready for Radiation

Radiation Mask

This morning I had my right knee check up.  All is going well and restarting the PT is helping enormously, especially with my leg extension.  Another check up in ten months.

Today's big appointment, however, was my CT scan and the making of a mask for my radiation appointments.  The paperwork took about 45 minutes.  The mask keeps my head immobilized so that the radiation can be aimed appropriately.  They start with a flat nylon mesh, which they then put in hot water to soften it up, and then mold to your face.  This takes about ten minutes.  It's not uncomfortable, although it's too difficult to keep my eyes open so I just keep them shut.  I'm told I get to keep the mask at the end of the six weeks. It looks like a fencing mask.

Thankfully, I didn't have to have contrast for the CT scan, which in this case would be radioopaque iodine, to which I'm highly allergic.  I would have had to take three days of pills to suppress my immune response just for the contrast.  Fortunately I got to skip this.  The CT scan itself only took about ten minutes.

A Life Changed Overnight

Glioblastoma, Stage 4, in left parietal lobe

If you want to God laugh, tell Him your plans.

On 8/19, I had a right total knee replacement at Stanford. (Because I couldn't walk last year, my weight went up about 45 lbs.)  My knee is now fine, and I have no pain, although I have not had all the PT that I was supposed to have because of what happened next.

Three days before my surgery, I started tripping on my words.  It was just a few words, but I didn't put two and two together before my surgery.  I'm an attorney and teacher.  I make my livelihood teaching and talking. I don't trip on my words normally.  When I woke from the anesthesia, my speech was much worse, but I thought that first week that it was because of all the pain medications I was on, like oxycontin.

By the middle of next week, I was off all pain medicine but my speech was not improving.  I had also spelling problems too!  I also noticed problems with my right hand in sensing temperature and fine sensation.  I couldn't tell without looking and by only touch whether my husband had a shirt on.  I became very alarmed and I thought that I had a stroke during the surgery.  My mother who stayed with me for three days confirmed my feelings. 

I have had epilepsy my whole life so I called my neurologist in a panic.  He never hears from me much anymore.  I usually send him an email to let him know that I'm ok every two years.  So after he heard me on the phone, he knew something was up.  He sent me the number to schedule an MRI.  I got the first available on 9/20, and two hours after the MRI we were in his office looking at the tumor.  By the end of that weekend, my neurologist had made a referral with my neurosurgeon, Dr. Mitchel Berger.  He happened to be in New York that week, but we met with his fellow, who explained about the tumor, which was in the left parietal lobe which controls speech and motor functions. So at least we had information and not just scary pictures.

By a few more days, I had emergency surgery scheduled for 10/2.  I had to have a battery of blood work and testing prior to the surgery. MRIs, brain mapping, MRI spectroscopy, and neurospeech to set a baseline.  They used a marker that makes the tumor glow flourescent pink so just not the mass would be removed, but all of the bad cells that can look like healthy cells.  They got as much of it as they could.  It was also good news that the tumor was caught so early. In this place, it often wraps around an important sensory bundle. It did not have time to do that, which means that they did haven't destroy that part of my brain!  It was an awake (mostly) surgery and I remember all of it.  I'm  told that I got an A+ in brain surgery because I was the calmest patient they have ever had. LOL!  The surgery was on the feast of the Guardian Angels!  How cool is that!?  I've had a mammoth Guardian Angel, and it was like a presence of wings folded around all of us.  Surgery took 5.5 hours.

I was out of the hospital by the following Saturday.  My speech is already coming back.  It will take about 1-2 months to improve. My working memory took a hit, but this is also supposed to improve. However, I'm now a really poor speller.  LOL!  Hooray for spell check!

I'm now healing, and very weak because of two surgeries in two months.  But I'm getting more energy back every day. Yesterday I got back on track with PT for my knee, which is now pain free, although the muscles are a bit weak because I’ve been in bed so much lately.  I do feel so much better now than I did.

Later today, I will get my biopsy results and oncologist appointment.  This tumor is a glioblastoma, high grade, aggressive, and it is the worst kind to have.  I will need chemo, radiation and an MRI every 2 months.  I will have 6 weeks to heal before this starts.  I am under no illusion about what the news will be today.  The worst case prognosis is 1 to 2 years.  No one survives this.  However, I already know that I won’t have that worst case.  My tumor was caught early and completely removed.  I’m young, and the type of surgery I had reduces recurrences quite dramatically.  If you are interested about my pioneering neurosurgeon, Dr. Mitchel Berger, watch this link:

http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=news%2Fhealth&id=7708538

So… I’m asking for your prayers today for my husband and my mother, as we learn more about this disease.  I believe that it will  be harder on them, than on me. I am also asking for your prayers for my father, who will be told later.

After all, we are not intended to live forever.  We were always intended to go back to God. And after all, God IS in the driver seat.  I have so many questions to ask!

Update:  As expected, we met with the oncologist and I was told, along with my husband and mother, that my prognosis would likely be about two to three years, at the most five years.  The tumor was definitely a stage 4 glioblastoma.